You’ve seen him on his hit television programs “Hell’s Kitchen”, “Restaurant Nightmares”, and “The F Word.” He’s a Micheline Star Chef with decades of experience and honors to go with them. He gets really mad when someone can’t understand that you have to slow-cook a Beef Wellington so that the meat on the inside is perfectly medium-rare by the time the outside crust is done and not burnt. Well, after he spilled a certain load of beans to British newsmagazine : “The Fanny Blaster Daily”, if you’re still a fan – please remove your jacket, and get out.

Sandy Batt, a reporter for the periodical, cornered the James Bond of cockney gourmond outside of his restaurant in Nob’s End, where he was just about to catch a lorry to stop at the local chemist’s to right nip up some rubber johnnys for a night of buggering :

“Yeah, I had heard the daft old bloke that ran the colonies was coming to town, and her majesty wanted a spread. So, yeah, you know, I never turn anything down, especially if it’s going to be on the telly. But that f*cking wanker, he’s just a bit dumber than a bird asking George bloody Micheal to the prom, isn’t he? And that’s BEFORE he was tits-up. So, yeah, I added a bit of meself to his bangers and mash, in the way of a gobshite. It was a right good one too. But the prick probably didn’t even notice, since he’d been off sniffing something in the loo beforehand, and was probably too knackered to piss straight. Is that it? Got what you want? Great. Now f*ck off.”

While the Secret Service hasn’t yet classified the salava-ing as an actual threat to the President, they are planning to investigate the incident. Vice President Mike Pence has been in close contact with detectives, being the only person closely familiar with President Trump’s endochrine system with regards to flavor and texture.

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